Melb here I come!
It's amazing what you can accomplished if you set your mind to it, and make a little effort to realize your expectations, to make it work. I hate waking up, ever since the exams period. So I woke up an hour early in case I needed to snooze. Better be prepared then leave it to chance, that's my motto. So anyway, woke up with time to spare and everything, hope I get that data entry job at dwg so I can halt my resume spamming. But for now, the continuation of RS.
After that dwg interview which ended with an ominous "we'll contact you", I went dhoby to get a haircut, take photo for resume, buy jeans in no particular order. Those were the leftover tasks I set out to do ever since exams ended. Blew 70bucks at Cotton On, really, I don't know why I always get suckered by their sales sign when everytime I buy, there's no discount on my items. Got jeans at Fox for 60 which was I think okay when compared with Levi's. Andandand got my haircut at Chapter Two. Say hello to bangs, baby. My hairstylist kept trying to engage me in conversation. Is that the norm or what? Cos up till now, I always faithfully like a dog go back to my old one which I always bitch abt their product afterwards. It took me wow 21 years to say, well I had enough. I'll prolly go to chap 2 from now, not like they're damn good but the expectation don't fall far from the result. The girl at the counter had a really cool tattoo with stars design on her hand and I asked her whether it hurt. She said ya but it's bearable. Inside I was like, duh, and I felt like asking her what's her pain threshold. :/
Total damage: a whopping $170. Ah the perils of having a credit card. It's like those things where you have a love/hate relationship with. I'm going bankrupt. Need a job need a job need a job. (If I keep chanting, would I get one?)
Well, I guess this is it for now. Need to get back to packing luggage. Toodles! Hope I get a job and a tuition assignment when I next blog. XX
Labels: deep
Pack Rat
Today begins.
What better way than that to start with packing away the old? I don't really know why it took me two years into university to realize that hey why the hell am I still keeping my h1 physics amongst stuffs like chemistry lab reports. I have several guesses, one of which would be, the two years in NYJC was unbelievably the best two years of education, ever. The people, the environment, the teachers. Throwing away the tangible bits and pieces seemed to distant myself away from the memories.
And I never did know the extent of my packiness till today. In the process of of dumping all those useless stufs, I'm damn amazed by how hard I did mug in JC even though it didn't feel like it. It was one of those hindsight being 20/20 things in life. And wow the amount of rough paper I got out of that stack was unbelievable. Like enough to last me the next semester. I feel prepared already.
Today's short day. Slept at 0404, and woke up barely seven hours later, and not feeling the least bit tired. Not having to wake up to alarms is sucha luxurious feeling. And caught Fast Five with my mom today. And was blown away. Heart pumping action from start till the end. Best fast and furious movie ever!
Labels: deep
Empty
This is a weird feeling.
Clock reads 0217 and not only am I not feeling tired, I'm feeling a sort of restlessness in my soul. I just had my last paper today and the previous paper was on monday. So technically I had almost three days to study for it. I wonder if it's me or that's how everybody thinks, pass/fail only what, don't need to study much since really, it's just a matter of passing.
Throughout these almost three days, I was more off than i was on. Maybe it was the combination of having three days (equating to lots of time), pass/fail grade, and the feeling of an already screwed up semester that i just couldn't be bothered already. I woke up strangely with a 315 question stuck in my head, yesterday and I googled the formula. Anyway the 315 paper was -.- unexpectedly different from previous years which don't make sense since it was the same lecturer and all but all that matters is that if I can't do it, I hoped other people couldn't either. This sucks. I'm not sure when I had this kinda mentality developed but it's pretty much stuck in my psyche. What a horrible horrible mentality. So uninspiring it's scaring me.
Back to that out of nowhere question that popped in my head, strangely, after I googled, I was kinda relieved that no I didn't remember the formula wrongly, then almost simultaneously, the relief melted and I was like it doesn't really matter not that I knew how to apply. How did this dejected feeling come by? Like damn. When did I change? Was i ever like that? Again this sucks. Finding a part of me that I didn't really like.
So after all the ranting, I feel strangely empty for some reason. It's like there are no more distractions to indulge in now that exams are over. There's no elation over anything. Sure there are movies, music, melbourne, and some other day to day things to busy myself with. But are they meaningful? Is this holiday going to be just like any previous holiday that just zoomed by without me doing anything constructive or contributing to somebody in some meaningful way? I'm 21 this year, apart from not liking to do voluntary charity, I do have a heart that bleeds red. I don't want my legacy to be as uneventful as a blank piece of paper. I mean I even went by the library to get my usual zing, and for once, in a long long time, the library felt kinda foreign to me, of all people.
After reading the blogs of my friends who still blogs, I just feel small. Insignificant. Like one of them just went Australia to study for a good two to three years. Her thoughts are well penned down, and it's like I understand where she's coming from and I really really admire her for the courage to just up and go. Sure it's just temporary, but to uproot all you know to a new country? That takes courage and strength. The kinds of qualities I'm still figuring if I have it in me to take the similar but shorter 6 months plunge. Another has a dad hospitalized and has doctors telling them that his time is almost up. This again, I can somewhat empathize with. Not so long ago, actually kinda just before exams, my mom was recommended to seek a brain specialist because her pituitary gland was deformed. This shocking news had me crying for three nights consecutively in my room. I was taking psychology this sem, and the knowledge of learning about brain and its functions, and the possibility of a screwed up operation was suddenly turning into reality for me. I just couldn't handle that. It's just, my mom and the possibility of her not living past my getting married, or even getting a boyfriend? I mean I always knew the world was unfair, but did God really had to take my mom from me? For a while i was damn pissed and motivated. To give my mom what she would have had if the diagnosis was right. At the same time, i put on a strong front when I was crumbling inside. Because who else is going to be strong for me? And because I didn't know how not to be strong, and let people in. At the same time, I didn't understood why my sister and brother were just so unfeeling compared to me. Maybe my sister was already independent and that her ties weren't that strong. But that didn't make sense for my brother, who relies on my mom for everything. It didn't make sense. Nothing did for a short while until thankfully, I accompanied mom to that fateful trip to the specialist where I heard what the doc had to say. Meanwhile she is scheduled to do more tests in order to get a complete picture but the brain specialist did assure that the shape of the pituitary gland was not an issue if it doesn't affect her functions. I'm mostly hopeful when the results come in next month.
The thing is; I am 21. But what have I done so far in my life? What have I achieved? Nothing memorable, nothing significant. Mediocre all the way. Napoleon conquered Italy by the age of 26. For a realist, I sure as hell can't compare to Napoleon, but there must be something on the same significance that I can do and will do.
What I'm saying now is that I'm not letting this slide any longer. time to wake up from the dreamy state I've been drifting through life, and start taking back the reins over what's mine and should have been mine.
Today begins.
Labels: deep
Says it all
3 down, 2 more to go.
oh fcuk
Psychology was a stunner. Before today I was still rather relieved. After today fml. Omggg made like 25m worth of careless mistakesssss for cal paper. My life is ruinedddd. It's not like I didn't study for it, I did but what the hell is with the careless mistakes idk. Don't give a damn now actually, except it better not rear its head ever again. First biz fin midterm, now this. It's like a fog going into my mind taking up temporary residence. This sem sucks balllllssssss. Please please let me grossly underestimate myself. Seriousllllyyyyy. This sem is damn fuckup. Next sem is gonna be strictly chionging from day 1. Omgggggg
070511 the bitter taste of disappointment, failure and defeat.
SALVAGE is the word for today and the days following till 19 May. No more regrets.
Gimme a B, dear God.
Argh. I hate hate hate losinggg. Tsk okay enough crying over split milk, agonizing over what's done. Sigh take a deep breath, dinner, MUG.
Labels: deep
