Silence Speaks

Empty

This is a weird feeling.

Clock reads 0217 and not only am I not feeling tired, I'm feeling a sort of restlessness in my soul. I just had my last paper today and the previous paper was on monday. So technically I had almost three days to study for it. I wonder if it's me or that's how everybody thinks, pass/fail only what, don't need to study much since really, it's just a matter of passing.

Throughout these almost three days, I was more off than i was on. Maybe it was the combination of having three days (equating to lots of time), pass/fail grade, and the feeling of an already screwed up semester that i just couldn't be bothered already. I woke up strangely with a 315 question stuck in my head, yesterday and I googled the formula. Anyway the 315 paper was -.- unexpectedly different from previous years which don't make sense since it was the same lecturer and all but all that matters is that if I can't do it, I hoped other people couldn't either. This sucks. I'm not sure when I had this kinda mentality developed but it's pretty much stuck in my psyche. What a horrible horrible mentality. So uninspiring it's scaring me.

Back to that out of nowhere question that popped in my head, strangely, after I googled, I was kinda relieved that no I didn't remember the formula wrongly, then almost simultaneously, the relief melted and I was like it doesn't really matter not that I knew how to apply. How did this dejected feeling come by? Like damn. When did I change? Was i ever like that? Again this sucks. Finding a part of me that I didn't really like.

So after all the ranting, I feel strangely empty for some reason. It's like there are no more distractions to indulge in now that exams are over. There's no elation over anything. Sure there are movies, music, melbourne, and some other day to day things to busy myself with. But are they meaningful? Is this holiday going to be just like any previous holiday that just zoomed by without me doing anything constructive or contributing to somebody in some meaningful way? I'm 21 this year, apart from not liking to do voluntary charity, I do have a heart that bleeds red. I don't want my legacy to be as uneventful as a blank piece of paper. I mean I even went by the library to get my usual zing, and for once, in a long long time, the library felt kinda foreign to me, of all people.

After reading the blogs of my friends who still blogs, I just feel small. Insignificant. Like one of them just went Australia to study for a good two to three years. Her thoughts are well penned down, and it's like I understand where she's coming from and I really really admire her for the courage to just up and go. Sure it's just temporary, but to uproot all you know to a new country? That takes courage and strength. The kinds of qualities I'm still figuring if I have it in me to take the similar but shorter 6 months plunge. Another has a dad hospitalized and has doctors telling them that his time is almost up. This again, I can somewhat empathize with. Not so long ago, actually kinda just before exams, my mom was recommended to seek a brain specialist because her pituitary gland was deformed. This shocking news had me crying for three nights consecutively in my room. I was taking psychology this sem, and the knowledge of learning about brain and its functions, and the possibility of a screwed up operation was suddenly turning into reality for me. I just couldn't handle that. It's just, my mom and the possibility of her not living past my getting married, or even getting a boyfriend? I mean I always knew the world was unfair, but did God really had to take my mom from me? For a while i was damn pissed and motivated. To give my mom what she would have had if the diagnosis was right. At the same time, i put on a strong front when I was crumbling inside. Because who else is going to be strong for me? And because I didn't know how not to be strong, and let people in. At the same time, I didn't understood why my sister and brother were just so unfeeling compared to me. Maybe my sister was already independent and that her ties weren't that strong. But that didn't make sense for my brother, who relies on my mom for everything. It didn't make sense. Nothing did for a short while until thankfully, I accompanied mom to that fateful trip to the specialist where I heard what the doc had to say. Meanwhile she is scheduled to do more tests in order to get a complete picture but the brain specialist did assure that the shape of the pituitary gland was not an issue if it doesn't affect her functions. I'm mostly hopeful when the results come in next month.

The thing is; I am 21. But what have I done so far in my life? What have I achieved? Nothing memorable, nothing significant. Mediocre all the way. Napoleon conquered Italy by the age of 26. For a realist, I sure as hell can't compare to Napoleon, but there must be something on the same significance that I can do and will do.

What I'm saying now is that I'm not letting this slide any longer. time to wake up from the dreamy state I've been drifting through life, and start taking back the reins over what's mine and should have been mine.

Today begins.

Labels: deep

posted by wantington-ny @ 2:16 AM