Silence Speaks

Serendipity: things happen for a reason

I know I look like the typical happy go lucky person, but inside there is a wealth of feelings that even words cannot describe how I feel at times. Nobody really says what they feels all the time. My mind is a truly terribly horrific place to be.

Creo que I have abandonment/separation issues. Maybe i'm overemotional, oversentimental, overthinking and overanalysing things. You know how some times things/incidents go unnoticed and forgotten for a while, and then when several consequential incidents that aroused the feelings all over again, you get bombarded with these intense overwhelming feelings. I think being older and wiser has got something to do with it as well. Older; being more in touch with emotions and all.

Exactly one week ago, we said goodbye to the two terrapins that has been at my house for quite some time. About 7-8 years if i'm not mistaken. Terrapins are pets, but unlike dogs and cats, i don't think anyone names their tortoises?! At least not at my place, we don't. But they've been part of the living room for so long it feels real weird without seeing them in their tub and occasionally making a ruckus and humping each other.

The decision to let them go was an abrupt but i think rather conscious one. Ethics always enter into the picture when it comes to making these decisions; let them return to the nature where they belong versus let them stay in a cushy environment where they get fed and washed routinely but in a contained home. It was sad to say the least when i watched them go, along with my brother, two cousins, my parents and my grandma. One of the two terrapins were so eager to go and explore that you kinda have to feel happy for it. The other one on the other hand was quite reluctant not to go. It even tried to turn back but my father pushed fate. Perhaps that night i was the only one who wondered if they might get stuck in the canals or the tall grasses. But thankfully it was raining heavily enough that if nothing they would be drifting in the current. I sincerely hope the best for them. Not that I'll ever see them again.

In another two days' time, Amy's gonna leave for her home and end her employment at my house. My life is a revolving door of maids (no derogatory remarks meant and no not gloating in any way, this is just life as it is in my shoes) ever since I was borne. One can even say to the extent that the only constant in my life was the one-in-two-years change in my environment. I can remember two years ago when i went to the airport and sent the previous maid home. But how sad is it that i can't remember her name? And the names of all the maids that have ever worked at my place? My memories have no names, just people without faces. And they say people are a product of their environment. What does that say about me?

It's always sad to see someone go. How do you say goodbye to someone who's been in your life for two years (nearly), taking care of your needs, caring for you... how do you say goodbye to someone who's always been there even on days when your parents aren't? The awkward beginnings, the lukewarm ice melting and the finally comfortable to be around with stages. So many memories. When they're gone, it's like the years just disappear and you're left with wondering how is it that space just becomes blank, a clean blank slate. It's prolly explains why i'm a hogger. Anyway i did what i do best, ignore the pink elephant in the room. My personal motto being, ignore something until it goes away then deal with when and if it doesn't.

All these and more led me right back to the INSTEP rejection not so long ago. Was I ready for the temporary uproot? It would of course be an adventure. Don't everyone love an adventure? Don't everyone grow from their adventure? So easy to question yourself, the decisions and the fates God dealt, but having answers seems ...

Do things really happen for a reason?

I miss those carefree days.

Labels: deep, me, mine

posted by wantington-ny @ 8:54 PM